Monday, January 14, 2013

Mama Bridget // tales of me and the husband plus 5 kids and a gracie


hi everyone!  i'm here because, well, sarah and jb had their little babe!  hurrah hurrah!!!!!  i couldn't be more excited for those three.  i think little tuck has got two seriously loving parents and what more could a baby want?  

now, if you've been reading my blog long enough then you've seen this post before.  i've done it as a guest post i thiiiink twice.  i should probably keep track and i should probably stop recycling guest posts but! it's a good one for a new mom (and the visitors-to-the-new-mom) so i'm gonna use it anyway.

so, here's me, the one doing the guest post.  at 39 weeks and then again a few months ago with that previously-belly-baby out and about!  his name is parker and he's pretty much the apple of my eye.  my sidekick, my fifth appendage, my baby.  and i love it.

after having him, i discovered some things about myself.  like, I AM A GERMOPHOBE.  and like I AM THE PROTECTOR OF THE NAPS SO IF YOU WAKE THE BABY YOU DIE.  little (ha!) things like that.  my older sister wrote some of the below--and i added lots of commentary.  so, enjoy!  and, just know, you don't need to take it tooooo seriously.

numero uno. 
if you are sick, stay home.  that means you, sickie.  the new mom will hear that cough, sniffle, sneeze even if you don't and she will give you the evil eye as you fill her santized home with germs.  so, leave your dinner and gift on the doorstep and don't you even think about entering that house.  don't you do it!  turn around!

numero dos.
don't show up unannounced.  she might be right in the middle of a difficult feed and lo and behold you end up seeing way more than you intended (engorged boob!) and she's been through the ringer so she's most likely entirely unaware (or plain old doesn't care cause, let's face it, she just showed her vajay to potentially a roomful of people so what's a little nip?) that she just flashed you.  so, give her a call.  and on that phone call see if she needs you to pick anything up.  diapers... wipes... snacks... eggs... wine... vodka... beer... where was i?

numero tres.
pamper mom.  give her some water, some cut up veggies, some sandwich fixings, some bagels and cream cheese some trader joes peanut butter cups (they happen to be my favorite)... you get the picture.  i don't think i've ever been hungrier AND less inclined to make food than when i was postpartum.  so food is a WIN.  and, let's go a few steps further: consider getting your license in massage therapy before coming and put that to good use.  

numero cuatro.
wash your hands.  then wash them again.  if you happen to touch your skeevy car keys when you're leaving the kitchen just after washing them, turn around and redo it.  if you answer your cell phone after washing them, get your butt back in there and wash them again.  if you rub your nose, touch your ear, eyebrow, or hair, wash them again.  they should be red, raw, and cracking when you leave.  this is entirely an exaggeration that i had a lot of fun writing.

numero cinco.
don't kiss the baby on the lips.  or face.  or hands.  come on people, we know better, right?

numero seis.
don't bring your small children.  as my sister put it, they are filthy creatures.  sweet, innocent, tender, yes.  but filthy.

numero siete.  
ask what you can do.  laundry?  filling the dishwasher?  painting the house?  washing the windows?  cleaning the chimney?  ya know.  little things.

numero ocho.
bring a meal and some snacks.  she will love you forever.  i guess that's kind of like number three too.  whatever!  it bears repeating!

numero nueve. 
take a cue from mom.  if she seems tired, spent... get your butt outta there fast.  don't forget to vacuum and mop on your way out.  

well, that should be it.  pretty easy peasy if you ask me.  i bet ya'll can't wait to visit!

 // Go check out Bridget's blog, here

13 comments:

  1. Too funny! I love this post and totally agree!

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  2. Congratulations again, Sarah and JB!! You guys are going to be fabulous parents.

    Hope you're doing well, sweet friend!
    Need anything, just hollar. Seriously. I'll send it over in the mail :)

    xo
    Alisha

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  3. This post has me dying! Heading over to visit you now, Bridget...er, your blog, not your house...no need to panic :-)

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  4. Good to know seeing as 2 of my friends recently had new babies!

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  5. Best Advice! CAN SOMEONE MAKE AN ETSY PRINT OUT OF IT??? Shop owners??

    Congrats to the Tucker family!

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  6. haha! this is purely amazing!!

    and holyshmokes. how gorgeous of a pregnant girl are you?!

    xo

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  7. Hilarious! Laughed the whole way through :)

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  8. This is the greatest post ever...too funny!!!
    Going to check out her blog!! :)

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  9. so funny and so true: you can never bring enough food or do enough cleaning.

    the day i came home from hospital my mum changed my bed and took the washing with her--definitely made sainthood a possibility :)

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  10. thanks for the good advice :) having my first babe in may!

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  11. yay for tuck!

    and, selfishly, for two of my favorite bloggers in the same space. (:

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  12. thanks for having me sarah!! :)

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  13. Oy vey! You are too funny, Bridget!

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