Friday, June 29, 2012

Overjoyed

Part of me does not want to share this whole truth, just the happy part, but the other side of me thinks it is important to share.  A little freeing too. The part that doesn't want to share is completely fear driven.  fear of someone judging me, someone saying something hurtful or insensitive, but I try to not let fear have hold over me.  The other side hopes this story may help someone, offer someone somewhere hope.  Even if you haven't been affected by this - when I was, it was incredibly painful to feel like I was mostly alone in this.  Like something was wrong with me, because it didn't seem like it happened to anyone else... because rarely do you hear anyone talk about it. 

In March, I found out I was pregnant.  It was a total and complete shock.  Certainly not in my plan at that point.  But overnight that complete disbelief disappeared - I felt insanely blessed. happy.  at peace with this.  I was ecstatic.  so was my JB. ha. that's putting it lightly. A little over a week later I found out I had miscarried.  My doctor called it a chemical pregnancy.  The hormones produced the positive, but nothing else stuck.  She said many people have them, not ever knowing they were pregnant.  That it wasn't my fault.  Still, I can't remember a time I cried so much. I couldn't climb out of that for a while.  I felt pretty silly for feeling so sad - when people have them later, and when it is much more tragic of a loss.  Still, a loss is a loss.  And it has to be grieved.  I think this is when I felt curled up with God.  like he was really holding my hand.  hard times are good for drawing us closer to what matters, and pulling us away from what simply does not.  

due to current commitments to clients I either had to get pregnant like yesterday, or in a year.  That timeline was a frustrating one as I figured I'd have to wait a year.  But following my miscarriage,  I wasn't thinking straight.  I remember realizing I needed to get an appointment for some form of birth control ... and that's when it dawned on me that I still hadn't had my period since our loss.  I took a test.  and HO-LY smokes.  that line was dark as night.  pregnant. I ran upstairs and woke JB up to tell him!  JB and I were both pretty cautious about getting excited... I kept quiet and for a long while it was just us knowing.  I prayed and hoped.  I told that baby to stay put.  During my 8 week ultrasound, I heard a a healthy heartbeat, and saw a jumping baby.  I couldn't speak, I was totally choked up, I just cried.  thankfulness flooded my heart.  how do i get to do this?  This past week we went to see our 12/13 week ultrasound... and there it was.  Another strong heartbeat -159!  i could count the babies 10 fingers.  Baby stretched out, put hand above the head.  Just relaxing, like on the beach in positano.  I think she/he already has JB's laid back personality.  

I'm overjoyed. grateful beyond measure? yes, that too.  
All of the un-pleasantries of pregnancy don't really matter like I thought they would.  I'd already do anything for this little human i'm cooking.  your dad would too - including late night runs for ice cream already.  

{I'll have many more photo shoots to share my growing belly... and though this one is a bit of a silhouette-fail... you get to see a bump.  around 11 weeks in this picture} 



Wednesday, June 27, 2012

photos to love





























 {yes you could land a space ship on that forehead! haha}



cleaning out old comp folders and came across one entitled "photos to love".
they are indeed.

i had put them through the cross process app when i was a bit i-illiterate.
These are all from 2010. 
some from italy, austria, switzerland, france, amsterdam, england, germany... 
can you figure out which ones belong to which countries?  ( :

... 
jb, thanks for being my chauffeur, sense talker, picture taker,  row boater, and just best all around travel buddy there is.  thanks.  (:



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Summer Style: White on White

 { via vogue, paris november 2011 }
{Kate Hudson via Huffington Post}
{couldn't find source - just pinterest}

madewell skinnies: $77 // Ivanka Trump scallopped shorts: $125
old navy shorts:  $20
Rebecca Cotton Maxi: $290 / Dolce Vita Dress: $132 / Scoop Neck Dress: $37
earrings: $50 /  cat eye glasses: $6 / Tory Burch Bag: $250 / Sam Edelman Wedges: $120



Something I've always loved is white on white during summer.  With touches of gold, brown, or navy.  If you've got a little tan going it's impossible not to feel like a total babe.
White on white is a total goddess move (: 
A la Diane Lane as she docks on Positano in Under the Tuscan Sun. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

lest you think all JB and I do is make heartsies eyes at each other...



 i know a lot of people gripe about how people totally control, contrive, and spin their life on blogs.  
but honestly, who wants to hear about steam coming out of my ears once a week?
well you get to this week.

we went to St. Pete for a long weekend for JB's work. 
We checked in around two on thursday and i immediately plopped myself down on our huge soft comfy bed.
{are hotel beds the best or what!}
JB was all "enjoy yourself!  go to the spa! pool!  order room service!" while he had to head to a meeting.  
he said: "you don't have to meet up until 6pm tonight!"
i'm like okay, this weekend is going to be amazing.
Around 4pm I was lounging around in my Vinoy Robe, had just taken a shower, ordered room service...  
just being a sloth in general and enjoying living in fat city for a bit.  
then JB walks in and tells me I have to be down there in 9 minutes for an introduction!  
in front of 170 people.  probably 165 i don't know and this is the first time meeting.
first impressions are important!  
and he goes "didn't you read the pamphlet?" 
oh heck naw JB.  
didn't you tell me i had to be down there at 6pm!
"pamphlet?  i read everything in the bag! there's no schedule!"
i am in a panic. i look like a wet rat.  
then jb sheepishly goes... "oops... i took the pamphlet with me..." 
oh no he di'int.  
so at this point he knows he is in trouble.  
i wanted to ring his neck.  we are lucky i wasn't armed.

i hustle and get ready in thirty minutes. 
jb texts me to tell me he'll be in the back row so i can slip in.

As i walk into the room, i notice JB has just stood up and he says 
how sorry he is that his wife isn't here so he could introduce me...
and there i come in behind him and say, what else : "oh i'm here" with a wave.  
in this moment i want to die.  
everyone giggles.  
my facial expression cannot fake a thing.  
my smile looks like i am in a world of pain.  
then they ask me to stand up for a picture. 
i think, i hope this picture does not see the light of day.
when the spotlight is no longer on us, 
JB and i exchange a look.
smirks. head shakes.  giggles.  
it's really not that big of a deal! 
and all is right with us again. 
a few minutes later this meeting is all over ...
i cannot tell you how many people thought we planned this.  planned this! 
i was like, no, this is THEE definition of mortification for me.
so there's an unusual slice of tucker life for you.  (that's on the blog, anyway).
and a few more pictures of the Vinoy in St. Pete.

{before my big "publicity stunt"}
... 
a couple other things that happened this weekend.
- we were in the elevator.  i introduced myself to someone i had recognized from the meetings. 
he goes "i know you! i went to your wedding! i gave you frittata pans..."
ohhhh right... hmph.  all i can say is that "i'm a frittata fanatic".  #awkward #myweddingwashuge
- the marlins were staying with us and JB's old coach was there.  JB had fun catching up, and I quite liked hearing a nickname i have never heard - "big T!"
- i ordered room service 4 times.  in addition to having 3 more than square meals. #fatcity
- you know how things seem more dramatic at night?  well, to me, they do.  
JB was in my brother's room at the hotel watching baseball and they had ordered late night pizza. 
i said - bring me a piece!  when jb got in i was passed out, but said to leave my pizza on the night stand.  (um, gross.  jb thought so too.) then i look up, and see JB eating my pizza!  i looked at him like he had just taken the last girl scout cookie.  and passed out again.
- JB's dad was awarded an incredible honor and award this weekend.  The first time the speaker introduced him, i was a little shocked at why they didn't have many stories about him!  my father in law is quite the character, in the best way.  so i was bit bummed!  then... the very last award - he gets it.  and letters were read that made me just bawl crying.  it was such a nice ending to the weekend.  so proud of him!
ok. the end!