Friday, November 9, 2012

my greatest fear

 {an i-phone shot by jessica lorren - taken in last nights maternity session- wearing badgley mischka from rent the runway}

for all of you mamas out there, i seriously have no idea how you do it.  y'all are all my heroes.
i think i am busy now.


I instagrammed yesterday a text from my momma.  It simply said "hey honey!  how can I help u today?" ... It's partially the pregnancy hormone overload of 2012 but tears literally streamed down my face for at least a good five minutes.  My mother has one million other things to do.  Yet she makes serving others (specifically, me) a priority.  How do you live up to that kind of thing?  I hope I get it like she has always.  I hope I can be selfless, put what matters before all of the stuff that simply does not, and be present for my family.  That last line is literally my greatest fear.  The whole not being really there when I'm with bebe tuck and JB.  I don't want to miss anything, or any opportunity to show them they are it for me.  They're my top priority.  Yesterday at lunch I watched a mother with her two boys.  She was on her phone for the duration of the lunch.  The 4ish year old on an ipad, and the 2 year old just sat there.  bored stiff.  I get it, things like that happen.  I'm so not perfect in this arena.  but i hope it's not the norm for them, and i hope it doesn't become the norm for me.  Just pray I'm not too busy with the wrong things to not fully engage in life

and then work.  i think the two words "working mother" is totally redundant.  but as I figure out how my work will look for me once the baby arrives ... I get anxious.  Even though working from home is an incredible luxury.  A good problem for me to have.  but I wonder, how do you do it?  I'm trying to prioritize now, change my times around, and set boundaries for my work life .... which I've been doing since the beginning, but feel this added pressure to just get it right.  I'm extremely grateful for grandma's that will help me.  But how do you get over the guilt?  How do you tear yourself away?

Sorry for the total rambling that took place this morning.  but mama's out there, how do you do it?  teach me thy ways.  you all amaze me.  and how did you grow up? 





22 comments:

  1. My mom sounds a lot like your mom. I don't know about balancing work and a baby because I am a stay at home mom to a six month old, but I do know you don't have to fully grow up. Let your mom continue to help you so that you can be the best wife and mother.

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  2. I am not a mom, and although I cannot wait for the day I am, it is not in the plans for some years. So I cannot give you tips from the mom side, however my mom worked all through out my life. Even when she was able to financially, she never stopped. She loves what she does and has the best work ethic I have known. Whatever she is doing, she puts 110% into it.
    But she was a mom too, she was room parent, there at every class party, every class project, every field trip, all the events I had going on etc etc. And to top it off, always had dinner on the table, and cookies in the oven.
    I am not sure how she did it, but she made it look easy. I am sure she missed things here and there, or that she was working in the car while I was at practice, or from the sidelines of a soccer game, but thoes arent the things that I rememeber.
    I think the trick is to have the good outweigh the bad, be there more than you arent there, and when you do happen to miss something/mess up (which every one does!) learn from it, and do better the next time.

    Tuck is already the most loved baby, and you will do an awesome job! The fact that you are so worried about it means you are doing something RIGHT! If you had no concerns than maybe that would be a problem!

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  3. Well, the first thing is to be able to talk about what you're feeling, even when it's guilt and anxiousness. You've got that one taken care of! Don't compare yourself to other mothers. This is huge. Everyone's situation is different for a large variety of reasons. Also recognize that parenthood and the big "Balance" of it all is an evolving challenge. The needs of your kids change as they move from baby to toddler to school-age and beyond. With each phase, you'll need to reevaluate what's working, what's not working, and how you may need to adjust to make it all work. And then you'll revisit it again and again to make sure it's still working. Some weeks it'll work great, and some weeks you'll realize that the scales have tipped too far in one direction.

    The bottom line, though, is that you'll figure out what's best for you and your family. Nobody else can do it, and it's not black and white. Sounds like you have great role models in your life. Stay ever vigilant about learning to evolve and maintain your focus on your family (priority #1). After reading your blog for some time, I have no doubt that you will be very successful in doing this.

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  4. From everything you have ever said about your mother, she sounds like such a wonderful lady. Your close relationship with her is beautiful. I don't think you'll need to worry about dividing your time. Everything will fall into place. I think your concern for this proves that you will never be like that mother in the restaurant.

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  5. Love the pic, what a great idea to get a stunning dress! I have had that thought alot, is there anyway to be as good as my parents? I hope so, but my siblings and I seriously won big time in that department! Hopefully it will rub off! :)

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  6. I'm sure you'll be an amazing mother just like your mom. You seem so aware and thoughtful. And according to Jim Rohn- “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” So I think you're set! : )

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  7. I believe that even though it is your greatest fear to not be 100% in every moment for your child, you also need to remember that you are human and have needs too! The saddest thing about having a new baby to me is that the parents all of the sudden completely lose themselves in the obsession of it all. Their professional, marital, and emotional lives are put on hold for 10 years or longer for this child! Yes, there will be times where you need to put the phone down and play or listen, but there will also be times where you need to choose YOU first. Because you can only operate at 100% for so long until you will start to crumble under the pressure. A baby needs a mom who takes care of herself more than a mom who has exhausted herself just to be there every split second. Little Tucker is coming into the family you already have established before he even existed. He will know he is loved-ohhh will he! But he also needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him every second because his parents are individuals with needs too. I hope this doesn't sound harsh! I am more reassuring you that you don't have to be supermom. It is ok to still be SARAH, who also happens to be a mom. :) WOW. MOUTHFUL. Sorry.

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  8. Hi Sarah- beautiful post as always.
    I think I have that fear as well, since my mom also has given me such a powerful example. I want to be just like her when I'm a mommy. Even if at the time, she wasn't sure if the decision was the best, it ended up being perfect in the long run. HOW DID SHE ALWAYS DO THAT? Sometimes, it was a happy accident. Sometimes it was because she was made for the job (I think). Sometimes she just had the right instincts. I think you need to just take it one moment at a time. I was kind of spoiled: my mom gave up her career to be a full time mom for me after she saw how much she enjoyed the job :) and it's my favorite thing about her. It's also the reason I can tell you even now (I'm still in college), I know I will do the same thing, because I'm not going to want to miss a second.

    That said, there's a lot of pressure on women these days to do both, and not only that, but LOVE that we are doing both. If it's something you love, that makes you tick, that makes you happy. It'll find a healthy way into your life.The amazing part is that you've learned from such a wonderful example: your own momma. Figure out what feels right. Then years will go by and your little peanut will be a huge boy (!) and you'll see how it all fit/fell into place. So I guess it's all about faith.

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  9. Mrs. Sarah Tucker - you are the sweetest! You will be so amazing as a mother, my mom worked full time and while I do sometimes wish she was at every event, etc. She was amazing and taught me that hard work will get you all your dreams. She set a great example and always had time for love. No worries, you too will find your groove! Xoxox

    www.soyouagree.com

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  10. I am the middle child. My mom was a stay at home mom with my sisters and I until I was in second grade. That was when my younger sister was entering pre-school. She then went back to work part time and eventually full time as we got older. I am sure you will find a way to balance everything perfectly! And being able to work from home is such a blessing. You will be such a wonderful mommy; little Tuck is a lucky boy.

    http://fivepmonafriday.blogspot.com/

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  11. Hey beautiful friend,

    You are already an amazing mother to Tuck, and you and JB and baby will find your way together once he is here. Just take your time and be easy on yourself. Don't rush back into it too soon, just soak up those precious, hazy, days of just connecting and loving on Tuck...the work will be there waiting for you, your clients will understand and be loyal to you, and in the end, you will be surprised that although it is challenging, there is life after baby and there is a way to find a balance with it all. I've only been back to work for a month now, but I am so happy to be back. It feels so good to be busy and multi-tasking. It's exhausting too don't get me wrong, taking care of a house, husband, baby, cooking, cleaning, AND working (and trying to have a life outside of that.) But very rewarding to do what you love, have the support of your family and friends, and a wee smiling chunky baby to love on every night. The one thing for me now is that I turn off my work Blackberry when I leave to pick up Stella from school. And I don't turn it on until I get home from dropping her off in the morning. I can't do what I used to do which is email from BB in bed, or go back into my office (I work from home too) to just finish one more quote, or put together one more presentation - at the end of the work day, it's done and that's my family time. They deserve my undivided attention and I am going to give it to them. And you know what? It's there waiting for me in the morning when I turn it on. And people are generally understanding and "get it" that you are a person outside of your job, and not just any person, but a new mother, which is a truly special thing to be. Sorry to go on and on, but this touches my heart so much because it is so present in my mind and heart right now. I am not perfect by any means, nor do I have it all figured out....I just feel so incredibly blessed and I know that you will soon understand exactly how I feel :) Tuck is the most LOVED baby boy in the whole wide world!

    Love you! xoxox

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  12. First of all, that dress, and you in it, is stunning. From everything I've read, and of course there are obvious limitations in any conclusions I can draw from that, you and your mother seem to have the same type of servant heart. Living a life of love and purpose comes first and foremost from a desire to do so, then making sure your actions line up until it becomes added. I don't think you've given yourself enough credit in recognizing that you probably already do this in many areas of your life, and that motherhood will soon be added to the list when the time comes.

    As for advice on how to be a good working mother, I can't offer anything from experience, but I think it, like most other difficult balancing acts in life, can only be hashed out through trial and error, unfortunately.

    My mom worked for the first six years of my life before retiring. I have nothing bad to say about my experience throughout those years. She made a point of always being home for certain regular events and special occasions, so in no way did I feel shortchanged. To this day she remains the most internally and externally beautiful person I know, someone who is unbelievably selfish, and has such a warmth to her that she glows. I think it is because she was like this with me when she was at home that I didn't mind when she was gone for work.

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  13. amazing post, as always! my mother has sacrificed so much time and energy for me and for that, i will always, always, always be grateful. but one thing- i wish she had made more time for herself to do things that she truly enjoyed instead of always giving, giving. but i think now that my sister and i are not at home anymore, she's slowly getting back in the groove :)

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  14. Hi Sarah, I am not a mother, but your post reminded me of a forum I went to recently where Tara Moss, the Australian writer, was speaking. She is a (relatively) recent mother, and she was saying that she is, funnily enough, MORE productive since having her child. The reason is that her priorities shifted and she stopped sweating the small stuff. She could no longer spend hours agonizing over whether THAT word was the right word, because there were now other important things to attend to. She stopped being such a perfectionist, and consequently got more done. This will not be everyone's experience, of course, but I thought it might give you some heart :) I think you will be an excellent mother.

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  15. Such a common fear Sarah, and so normal for you to be feeling this way. My only advice and comfort is you will find your way when baby tuck arrives.

    Every mom is different and they all have different thoughts and ideas on the matter but they cannot truly decide or path the way until the little bundle arrives.

    You are blessed with an incredible husband (and daddy to baby) and your sweet mama and they will both be amazing support for you when times get tough but as the months go on, your head and your heart will tell you what is best for you and your baba.

    I have always said that I was born to be a mom - I love working but I just knew that being a stay at home mom and running around my kiddies is what I always wanted to do... And now I've made it all real and I love it! But working moms will know that its best for them to stay home or rather to go back to work...

    It is hard to leave your baba in the beginning but you always give them what is best - time with granny or special people and the guilt fades away...

    Take my word and promise - you will just know what to do!
    x

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  16. growing up I always knew how selfless my mom was. She'd give me the last bite of her food. She'd do those things for me and my brother that I'd think to myself, "Wow. There's no WAY I'd ever do that." So. Incredibly. Selfless. It was (IS) the one thing I hope I can be for my child.

    I'm 24 weeks pregnant and I live in Italy. My husband is deployed and I just got some tests back saying that I need more tests done. I called my mom in tears (husband was working) and she almost literally got on the next flight out here. We're not made of money. I know my parents don't have that much stored away for a rainy day, but as I type, my mom is here with me. A mother's love is just completely unconditional and I can only pray I can pass that along to my daughter.

    By the way, you look AMAZING in that dress! Can't wait to see your maternity photos!!

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  17. asking for help is not a bad thing! momma's need their time too for either getting more things finished or just taking a breather. i had a fabulous relationship with my nanny growing up and never felt like my mom was too busy for us. you'll figure out a schedule and be great at it!!

    xo the egg out west.

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  18. First off, that picture, the dress, the shot - amazing!!!
    Second, your mom sounds incredible! I think just the thought that you are thinking about all this indicates what a truly wonderful mom you will be!

    xx Vivian @ http://diamondsandtulle.blogspot.com

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  19. i worry about making sure that my family know that they are my priority too, that my baby will always know i will be there as will my husband.

    i think it is a natural thing to worry about and i told jonny about it and he just said that they both will know that i love them dearly and will do anything for them because it will be so obvious that no-one will doubt it--and i think that will be exactly the same for you :)

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  20. The fact that you care this much, tells me that not only are you going to be an amazing mama, but that you will find your balance. You have a great heart Sar, your intuition will lead the way :)

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  21. I have a toddler and expecting a second child so I can completely relate with your struggle. Since I also have a flexible work schedule all I can share with you is that it will all be okay. It's great you're concerned with this. Being aware of that there needs to be a balance already makes you a good mama. Just don't forgo on work or the things that make you, well you. You need a balance. Find a support group of gals in your area. Accept help when offered. You will find your balance. It will take time. Also, when you are at work you won't miss out on anything. The quality time spent with Tuck is more important than the amount of time spent with him. Hope this give you some comfort. My best wishes on your upcoming arrival. Being a mama is the best chapter in my life.

    www.eberafter.blogspot.com

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  22. That text from your mom - just about made me cry. Mom's are the best, most selfless people (well, my mama is and it sounds like yours is too) Truly a blessing! I am sure you are going to be the same way.

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