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June 2012

    Overjoyed

    Part of me does not want to share this whole truth, just the happy part, but the other side of me thinks it is important to share.  A little freeing too. The part that doesn’t want to share is completely fear driven.  fear of someone judging me, someone saying something hurtful or insensitive, but I try to not let fear have hold over me.  The other side hopes this story may help someone, offer someone somewhere hope.  Even if you haven’t been affected by this – when I was, it was incredibly painful to feel like I was mostly alone in this.  Like something was wrong with me, because it didn’t seem like it happened to anyone else… because rarely do you hear anyone talk about it. 
    In March, I found out I was pregnant.  It was a total and complete shock.  Certainly not in my plan at that point.  But overnight that complete disbelief disappeared – I felt insanely blessed. happy.  at peace with this.  I was ecstatic.  so was my JB. ha. that’s putting it lightly. A little over a week later I found out I had miscarried.  My doctor called it a chemical pregnancy.  The hormones produced the positive, but nothing else stuck.  She said many people have them, not ever knowing they were pregnant.  That it wasn’t my fault.  Still, I can’t remember a time I cried so much. I couldn’t climb out of that for a while.  I felt pretty silly for feeling so sad – when people have them later, and when it is much more tragic of a loss.  Still, a loss is a loss.  And it has to be grieved.  I think this is when I felt curled up with God.  like he was really holding my hand.  hard times are good for drawing us closer to what matters, and pulling us away from what simply does not.  
    due to current commitments to clients I either had to get pregnant like yesterday, or in a year.  That timeline was a frustrating one as I figured I’d have to wait a year.  But following my miscarriage,  I wasn’t thinking straight.  I remember realizing I needed to get an appointment for some form of birth control … and that’s when it dawned on me that I still hadn’t had my period since our loss.  I took a test.  and HO-LY smokes.  that line was dark as night.  pregnant. I ran upstairs and woke JB up to tell him!  JB and I were both pretty cautious about getting excited… I kept quiet and for a long while it was just us knowing.  I prayed and hoped.  I told that baby to stay put.  During my 8 week ultrasound, I heard a a healthy heartbeat, and saw a jumping baby.  I couldn’t speak, I was totally choked up, I just cried.  thankfulness flooded my heart.  how do i get to do this?  This past week we went to see our 12/13 week ultrasound… and there it was.  Another strong heartbeat -159!  i could count the babies 10 fingers.  Baby stretched out, put hand above the head.  Just relaxing, like on the beach in positano.  I think she/he already has JB’s laid back personality.  
    I’m overjoyed. grateful beyond measure? yes, that too.  
    All of the un-pleasantries of pregnancy don’t really matter like I thought they would.  I’d already do anything for this little human i’m cooking.  your dad would too – including late night runs for ice cream already.  
    {I’ll have many more photo shoots to share my growing belly… and though this one is a bit of a silhouette-fail… you get to see a bump.  around 11 weeks in this picture} 
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